Dream wave

Contemplation

Mommy when I will grown up like you? When I will become someone who decide my future as I hang up my dream right now, I know my height isn't that tall to reach the high sky where I'd put my hope to become a human with full of love and imagination.

I can't build the stair because is useless for me, I'm afraid of height and I won't fall even it for the first time, I don't wanna be hurt as you do. I'm afraid that this world will against me as you do. 

In front of my eyes now is just an empty space where I have to hide my own dream or else will take it as their dream. I never know my dream exactly but I know I can paint it into my canvas which I can read it by my self. Did you remembered the first time I painted a love sign in a wall? that time you was angry to me and said to me that it was a bad thing when I started to paint in a wall, then you gave me a blank paper where I can erased it as I want. Did you know mom? I won't erase my dream even it can be erased and Did you asked why I was painting a love sign where it is a heart which covered by an orange blanket as my favorite color? I drawn it because I know you never had a love except me. 

One night I found you were crying inside the room and I was peering from the bedroom window, I knew you were crying loud when the rain is started to fall. I never understand why every the day was rain you were always cry, although I didn't know what is truly happen but as a girl even I'm only 9 years old I know that you were crying because of love. You are lie mommy, you said that I'm your love and you will never cry about love anymore but I know that inside of you that your heart was hurt because of love and it wasn't about me and it is all about you and your heart. 

Yesterday I'm played at my friend house and it was recognize my to something that love isn't about a thing where it only said and wrote as it doesn't have definition as you told me when I'm asking about love. With my eyes I seen a happy family where a father love a mother then a child which is friend of me is full completely called love as they say. They have a smile where I never get it from a father. My friend often told me that her father is often told her a story before she slept and always gave her a candy when she will go to school. I know mommy you always do that to me also and I know that you already gave much to me more than my friend got from her parent. You are always loving me and provide me tender when I needed,  patience when I started to shout to you and when I'm cried you're always be my angel that gave me calmness more than anything. 

I'm not sue that I need a father too where I have a father role model which I can be secure when I was hurt or anything happens, but this is all about you and your love. I'm just a little girl where I didn't know nothing about maturity or love a woman to a man and love of a man to a woman but someday I'll find it on my own way mommy. Without you realize I was put you as my track where you were cry when the day is rain and smile with full of fake in front of me. Forgive me mom if I had been insolent about this thing, thing that I don't know for sure.  As for you know I was build my dream and it was all to make you happy, and thing that make you happy is make you proud of make and become someone that you expected. Even sometime you are sacrifice your own feeling and beat your own love inside the trauma of separation and the lost love. I'm just a little girl which seeing with my eyes and feel it with my heart as you always teach me.