When I was a kid I saw my father scolded my mother, He even slapped my mother on the ground, He yelled at my mother and said that Love is not about a feeling but it more about devotion. My mother cried and went into her room, I tried to make her calm but she shout at me and blame me for all. My mother also told me a story that she never really loved my father and also my father was never seriously married her, she said the only reason of my father married her is because she already pregnant before marriage even then my father never really believe that my mother pregnancy that is me is really his child, My father always accused that her pregnancy was before my father met my mother.
During my adult life I didn't found any love in our family, My father never came home while my mother was always busy with her own business. Indirectly I live between two worlds which is a selfishness world and became a product of burden that unexpected by them both. But however it was also teach me a lot about life and my vision on love itself.
I have to fall in love with someone when actually I was in a middle of hating the love and I shut my eyes against the ego who dragged me on one condition that felt in love which is on it existence or un-existence. A boy who made me sit down, superficial look with full of hope until I'd realizing my self that I'm falling in love. This periods was taking me to replaced all that I got in my family and suddenly changing me from the person who hate a love into a person who devotees of love it self and from that time I wanna show to my parent that love was truly existed.
I became a boy at once as a girl who tried to understand my self, what I do is balance the fact that I was a girl and the same time I became a boy who loving my self as a girl and tried to understand my self from the other side, I learned from all the mistakes that happen in my family.
I've grown to understand my abilities as a boy and as a girl who saw my own existence, it was limited to compassion and a quest for the points lost during my childhood. I no longer see my parents after they split up and I was ended my relationship also because now I'm too busy with my self.
I got very busy everyday, trying to understand me, trying to identify from my hair to my feet. And as a boy I hate my self as the girl version, she got spoiled and always complained. I hate girl figure in my self, I'm more selfish asking to be more understood and follow the sensitive side which killing the logic a part.
I'm just a girl who cried when my mom left me and my dad who really I admired is left me too with some other woman. I hate boy's figure of my self too. They don't have a heart, they never seen me as a frail woman who sat quietly because of pain and solitude.
I don't know how many years I have slept and then I should woke up in a room with a white thin blanket and bed which made from iron with my hands are tied. I heard from the next door someone was screaming and seems like she's in a middle of torching. Am I in hell or in a heaven now?
I tried to break my tied, my hands bleed when trying to open the tied. I woke up and untie my feet, I still don't know where I am until I found a board that displayed on my bed.
Cecillia, 26 years old, Psychological trauma, unknown disease, Mental hospital, 2012
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