Beautiful Smile

My mother always said that a man will always be a man which responsible to his own life and his environment no matter where he lived and where he stand, then a man also has a power to make things possible and that is giving a happiness to someone he love but also a man could break down when he couldn't find he loved and couldn't struggle for him self.

I never asked what is trully makes a man but the first thing I know in my life that behind the great man is always a great woman who support him from behind, so the thing that makes a man is a strength and power and also support from a woman.  This is not an opinion but this is a discourse of seeing and fact which always happen among our lifes. Once in a time I took a mirror then I reflected my self to see whether I'm a man or just a human which trying to be a man for his life, knowing him self, knowing his will and have enough courage to see a difference and to express what I felt that time.  Surely I'm not that wise to see what I am within seeing my deep inside but many thing that I could learn from what I seen and learn from things that I have done even a lot of thing was a mistake.

So I'd down to the ground as I felt into depth and what I need to know is to climb up and reach higher than where I am now. I stopped asking when I will get there where the sky are blue and the sun are shinning burning the skin, I keep climbed up and loosing my fear of heigh. 

What did I saw that time? 

Surely she's not an angel or any saviour angel which raise my hand and help pull me up so then I finished my climb.  The one thing that I could see clearly is my self who standing and said that it was me who helping my will and raise up the climb, so I started to ask about what that I have seen before which is about great man and support by a great woman, my self was smilling at me and said "What did you expexted for your own life? a value? which value? are you that good to see that you're a great man which standing now in front of me as a great man without someone which supporting you?. How stupid are you!.. Did you realize when you're expecting something from others then it only causing a boundaries for you while someone who supporting you is the greates woman that you know, whom carried you out to this world and whom giving you her tender as much as she can while she never enjoying her time just to make you happy!".

A mother, where I put my self drown and realized who I am now. so the next day I'm go back home to meet my mother and find her when she cried  that many love was gone from her life, a husband which she loved and a boy who didn't wanna back home because too bussy to searching what he love. 

So I took her hand and kiss her as my deep respect and said "Mother I'm back, your son which made a big mistake to think that he can beat thisworld and let you lonely at this world which I can't recognize it anymore, I'm sorry mother..".

She's smiling at me and that was the happiest thing I ever met in this world, "my mother smile".

a painting that priceless where no money can buy and no other thing can replaced it, a sun of my world and a moon to my night when I was felt down or someone who strengthen my body when I was melt down over the dessert.

I couldn't see what I should see now even the happiness was only a version of a man to describe, a happiness when you come home is the beautiful smile that you got from your mother and the price are more expenssive when you see the other thing smiled at you. 

And I found true love for my entire life while the rain was never stopped, my mother is said "go and catch the rain, bring her to me and I will painted you as my beautiful smile that you will remember in whole entire life, go and bring the rain as you want and as you will for a base that you stand on and where you hang on while I'll giving you words of wisdom following your step wherever you go, go and hold her arm while I'm giving you the beautiful happiness of your love, loved, an beloved."

She smiling at me once again and said " When you're on the top of the hill, shout at it and say that you love her more than anything and also shout to your self that you're as your self who has huge responsibility as huge as your love to your mother. Put your arm in front of you and feel your own heart beat then say you're a man who has courage enough to sailing in this world and let it be a weapon for you to stand and hold her arm and walk with you".

She never ask who's the one that I called the rain because I know in her thought that the rain is nothing and it just a metaphore in my life, but she gave me more power without she know, and I said to my self "if there's a time for me so let it be my time to paint my beautiful happiness which is make my mother smile without fake".

And over she was smiling at me and I'm on the top of the hill now shout what I should said, write what I should wrote and smile to the world.

Love for my mother...

a Song of a Child

A dream that brought me
The face of blue sky which has been changed
At the time that I've specify
Flying and lost

You come and gone
You give time to kill
You cultivate the soul that I never realized
You teach a world without price

I was child and lost

The Sun Goes Down

The sky

Tetap hujan

Angin tak bertalu seperti wajah diam diantara nama-nama manusia yang berhamburan saat hujan kemudian berteduh di seberang jalan bertanya kapan berlalu waktu dan menghentikan hujan.

Seorang perempuan diam menatap jauh menembus hujan, di hatinya seolah senang karena hujan hari ini telah datang setelah sekian bulan tidak pernah jatuh dan membasahi jiwanya yang haus akan ketenangan dan dia pikir bahwa hujan hari ini adalah jawaban atas semua pertanyaannya. Kendatipun begitu diapun ingin segera meng akhiri hujan ini dikarenakan semua kenangan yang membayanginya adalah hujan tanpa tepian dimana ia bisa bebas menari dan menangis tanpa seorangpun tahu dia terluka sedalam palung samudra.

Langit tampak hitam dipenuhi awan gelap serta deras air hujan masih mengalir seperti air matanya yang mengalir deras dari ujung matanya, sementara laki-laki disampingnya menatap iba, seorang perempuan berparas cahaya bintang menangis tanpa sadar dan seakan dia tutupi di balik hujan yang kian membanjiri tepian jalan tempatnya ia berdiri kini.

Diam saja bukan jawaban dari sebuah pertanyaan yang mengharuskan suara-suara sumbang tersebut bernyanyi kemudian memberikan nilai untuk masa depan serta kepribadian, Hey Perempuan leebih baik hari ini kau tidak bernyanyi biar saja turun hujan sementara hari akan melewati masa sebelum tengah hari dan aku tetap kembali.

Kawan, kekasih hai dan pasangan jiwa ku di masa depan maka dengarkanlah aku, jangan bohong pada dirimu saat ini dan kemudian jujur hanya kau karena ber-iba kepadaku sementara tanah terpijak olehku bukan hanya bayangan namun sebuah kenyataan yang aku hadapi.

Maukah kau berjalan denganku seperti seorang laki-laki buta dan seorang imam dalam tiap sujudmu sehingga tembikar yang sudah terajut olehmu akan kujadikan hidup untukku nanti, maka bangunkan aku malam ini seketika hujan tiada berhenti dan angin hanya berhembus melewati titik-titik yang tidak ingin aku pelajari atau bahkan aku baca dalam hidupku.

Perempuan yang berbaju kuning terang sementara ditanganmu hampa tanpa payung seakan kau berani menutupi hujan dengan tarian sendumu, tidak! bukan hari ini atau saat kau menganggap bodoh dirimu sebagai seorang perempuan yang ketika rasa itu sebetulnya adalah kejujuran bagimu namun secara tersamarkan kau membohongi dirimu dengan tarian ceria dan lompatan yang tidak biasanya pada hujan malam ini dan kemarin,

Aku tidak perlu pawang hujan malam ini ataupun berikutnya dan biarlah aku tidak memakai pelindung dari hujan ataupun kata-katamu yang dulu menyejukan sementara sekarang hanya sekedar cacian serta makian.

Dalam cahaya yang sebentar lagi pudar kau menatap dingin pada titik-titik terajut dan tembikar yang sejenak tadi ingin ku jadikan tempat hidup kau berujar menyerah dan kemudian menangis ditepian sungai yang hampir kering, namun karena kala itu hujan hingga sungai keringpun kini terisi dengan aliran deras air mata serta kegelisahan semu terlepas dari nyata ataupun tidak dari apa yang di hidupmu.

Bangun.. perempuan!

Biar jauh dan dan jarak tertapak oleh kakiku biarkan menjadi hilang dan hampa pada saat kau berdiri dan sampai pada puncak tangga yang sementara kau daki kemudian kau jatuh, aku akan berada berdiri menopangmu dan diam tanpa kau tahu, aku hanyalah hilang dan diam.

The Way It Rain

Today is November the 1st, where everybody start to sing November rain by a band in 90's called Gun n Roses, a song which said about rain that fall on November and related to broken heart, heartache and many blue days it might be sorrow caused by our beloved is left us, being cheated, lie which then connected to love and loving thing from a man or from woman.

When everybody wrote on the date they called a diary which they explained things that we met at the whole day and finally ended up in a notes. Well I wouldn't called this as diary but thing that are just opinion of my passion in write not about my self or somebody else but this is art words which came from heart expression or the way how this hand moves. I'm not a writter or an artist which expressed their heart or their passion on a notes or words but this one is eyes of a finger, he dance like they way people dance in a party. Sometimes he doesn't know what he dance for or what the final of this notes but surely this is the bad dance I ever met on November the 1st when the rain is finally become of my friend everyday.

Today is a half moon above the sky and the rain was stopped since few hours ago, I can see the city light from my view even not good as New york city or any major city but from my view I can see freedom of thought where no one else would complain even you told me about how bad is this country, politics, scandals, and the life it self.  Surely the air was clean tonight after the rain was stopped and the breeze start to blew in front of my face and that time what I will ask to my self is who I am now, who standing in between the past and future just knowing I'm just this minutes where my shoes are wet after the rain and my clothes are dirty because of the climb. And yes now I'm on the top of the hill, enjoying coffee which served my a man which I didn't know without paying any money like I used to in a coffee shop.

I'd drink coffee more than three cup today and it mean more than 200 ml which I used to take to prevent from coffee addict and it also not good for our health, and now I can feel cold under the communication provider tower seeing what I should see and feel what I should feel. ( as a metaphore on in a real life)

Exhausted, like  normal people do when they walking without end and no place to come home. What is home? home is where you're ended, where someone you loved is serve tea after dinner and someone who kiss your lips when you start to sleep (over reacting of course but those are a man dreams in their life commonly). Childrens are laughing  and watching television while you're sit back over the couch with your wife seeing them as the greatest achievement of your life (and once again that people dreams in commonly).

Who don't need to understand? may be the answer is none, every body wants to be priority, everybody need a respect or appreciation and perhaps value or regards for things that we do. When you placed as an employee on a company you need, they are giving you regards as a salary for your works. Some people are complain with the numbers and some people get arrogant because the number, the numbers also become a major thing in our achievement and sometimes also it defined you and your price. This is true life and the fact are telling me that, when you got power then you're able to buy anything you needs and (sometimes) it including loves and happiness. You don't need to agree with this opinion, everybody thinks different as they are thought about what is love and hapiness even how we describe our life, there are not the same.

So when the rain is started? is it only on November where the rain season is come regulary every years or it comes when the cloud are comes and covered the day, the thunders are sounding everywhere? 

It is a God will even we can manipulate the rain to comes with the earlier technology but it is absolute of God will. 

What will you complain if you're asking to your self while you're reflected on the mirror? will you asking about your happiness? which is according to you a happiness is come from love or someone we love or even money and how much money that you can earn? what will you say?. Are you saying that you are the most stupid guy who doesn't have enough courage to say that you love her and just sit while your eyes can't turn to her or are you saying that you are not smart enough to make some more money or make you boss proud of you?. 

I can see  a light which I should mention that was a star above the sky, I didn't see any other stars so I said to my self that was the brightest star between the other star or maybe that was a planet, venus or mars or I don't know, I'm not the expert on this so I will not saying that was a smartest star and the powerful star which can be shown while the others was hiding behind the cloud. So what makes different of a man? 

Then I remembered my mother, and what she always telling me. "Be a man wich full of courage, always give the best for your self and pray as what you believed". She also told me that someday I will become a father from my children and someone will love me till the my age was closed,  she told me those words while she cried because my father was left her. That time was a great motivation for me to stepping forward and being responsible of things that I've done and specialized responsible for my family.  That was a big matter where a man need  a courage and also fear of the boundaries  and things that printed on my brain and do the next step.

I think the rain is start to fall even I still can see a star and the half moon from my distance.

I would dance in the rain and I won't cry just to pretend that I'm the happiest person in the world while the rain sound is make a fake on it.  Let it be rain and let it be my dance over and over again even sometimes I need a value from my dance, but I don't know where I should ask so let it be the rain who flow to the river and down to the sea where hope and dream is still available for all of us, it's free anyway. so let dance!

The Jazz was resound over my ears from my mobile phone, swing and swing like the breeze. I don't know who's singing or what is the tittled, what I care this time is my coffee is getting cold while jazz are running through meanwhile I am asking to my self, where I was standing now and what I am standing for sure.

And the rain was fall.... over the November, this is how the start goes.