The Unspoken

She's surely moved her chair to avoid me.

She never met me through her eyes and when she talked to me she always bow as I'm never exist in front of her, I can see her mouth was moving spelled word by word with carefully but she never seen my face directly. 

I don't wanna know her secret or any of things that made her feeling so bad, and I don't wanna see her face too if it disturbed her so I just put my ear when she talked about thing that she was dreamed and many thing that she always made as discourse for me to keep struggling and fight. 

I was so ashamed when she was in front of my desk and I can see her normaly talk to others but then when she knew that I was looking at her she bow her head down.  One day I was thinking to see inside my self and reflected on a mirror then I asked "what's wrong with me?", And after I seen through that mirror there's nothing wrong with the way I looked or even my face as a normal human. until she moved her chair and avoid my eyes even she keep talking with me.

That time she was talked about the man she loved, she was standing in front on me not too far so I know that in my reach I can hold her face up, but I won't do that. As ussual I just put my ear without say anything or made any arguments. 

She's talking about love, the way she love that guy and the her journey till she found a real love and then got maried. She also talked how happy she was and it felt like there's no such happiest thing in this world  as she felt that time, and I just smiled to her hoping that she will raise her head to see directly in front of my face but she didn't do it. She continuing her story, the way she met him and the way he propossed her to be his wife. As she talked to me I knew that was a romantic moment that she couldn't forgot because when she talked about it I can see her lips was smiling but then I can see her tears also flowing down to her lips. 

After she talked about her happiness she started to cry and became a hate inside of her when her love life was didn't smooth as her thought. She was divorce with two little girl that lived with her now, that time I couldn't found any word to speak, I'd just took a deep breath to show that I'd really feel sorry about what's happen to her. She cried and keep standing in front of me, I didn't know what should I do that time until she hug me. She hug me very tight so I can't breathe normaly but in the same time I'm happy because she made me as her ear to hit the doors of her heart and spill it to my shoulder then I hug her back, I can smelled her long hair and I can feel how warm she was. 

She stopped crying that time and keep my back on her hug, she whispered thanks to me and I said yes. She released her hug and moved one step back with her head bow and what I could see is her hair which covered her face. She moved to her chair and sit down and so do I, doing the same thing without knowing what is just happened. I'm confused.

The next day is the day when she moved her chair and she surely never talked to me even a single word. I was wandering what's happen, is it I'm doing wrong or did I made any mistake and it always running on my head. She's such a mystery for me, I'd try to made a conversation but she always avoid me.  and what I'm doing that time is just hoping that someday she would opened to me and start to talk with me even I couldn't find any solution but I know she need someone to talk. then I start to make a notes for her.

"Surely I don't wanna be your priority of your life and your story in a past or in a head, I don't wanna be a man that using your sadness as my will to see your face or your smiling face.

And I don't have anything that I can give to you even a word when you're saying about your life to me, I'm not that kind of wise and also I'm not the kind of man that can give you love as people will do.

I don't wanna be your side or even someone who push you from behind neither as a man who standing in front of you that guides you to a better a head. What I want is let me be your your ears when you need to talk, let me be your foot when you don't know where to go, and let me be your left eyes where you can see from your side and I do it with my way so then we can talk and argue about what we seen and decide what will we do for the next step. 

I will not providing you ears for you to talk and then forget about it, I want you to be your own ears that hear what you're saying and what you felt for your own discourse and decide which step will you take for your happiness, and when you find your happiness, you can released me as your eyes, ear and foot."

Then I put those note on her desk hoping that she will read it. The next morning she didn't come and when I checked those note, there is still above of her desk and also the next and the next days. She never came....

Bolehkah?

Aku menatap jauh ke depan tapi entah lah apa yang aku pandangi dari sekian umurku seperti saat tanpa aku mengingat beberapa hari ke belakang dikarenakan masa lalu adalah hal yang terlupa olehku, namun jika ini pula yang menjadikan aku duduk terdiam memandang sahabatku yang juga aku tidak pernah tahu sebuah arti sahabat namun mereka yang berdiri di sana bermain adalah seseorang dengan otak dan pikiran masing-masing sementara aku sedikit mengharapkan nilai dari mereka tanpa  harga yang harus kubayar sebagai anak kecil yang terkucil dari kedewasaan ku yang hampir membuatku lebih tua beratus tahun dari mereka.

Jika sebuah bola yang bergulir itu adalah bola dunia yang aku berada di atasnya berdiri seharusnya maka aku hanyalah sebuah titik ketiadaan yang membuatku harus berusaha keras untuk menjadikan aku sebagai seorang penonton yang memandang bola dengan kedua mataku sekaligus nuraniku, Pada masa seharusnya aku tertawa dan menghina diriku sendiri sementara cermin tak dapat tertembus oleh mmataku di pantai yang sama sekali tidak merefleksikan bayanganku, lalu aku harus melihat ke arah mana? apakah cukup saja kubawa cermin setiap aku terduduk disini sementara mereka semua tertawa melihat ke arahku dan duduk diam seperti seorang yang terasing dari peradabanku. apakah itu menjadikanku manusia yang sama ataukah hanya ikut bagian saja dalam kehidupan mereka tanpa ada nilai atau harga sama sekali.

Sungguh saat aku tertawa aku lupa, bahkan pada saat ibuku berdiri menyuruhku mengerjakan apa yang tidak sesuai dengan hatiku lalu aku mengikuti seperti kambing namun juga bukan terletak pada saat aku hanya bisa berdiri dengan hati dan pikiranku sementara aku berusaha mengabdi pada diriku sendiri dan Ibuku yang melahirkanku tanpa mengenal siapa ayahku.

Hei aku juga bisa tertawa lepas dari masa-masa yang seharusnya terlupa olehku yakni saat aku harus duduk diam sementara kawan-kawanku melenggang dengan tenang bermain senja di ujung Pantai dan berteman dengan sebuah bola bundar berwarna merah, lalu untuk apa aku harus melihat ini semua?.

Apakah aku seorang pemberontak keras kepala atau justru akulah sang generasi tanpa mengetahui aku akan jadi apa pada masa depanku? Apakah aku ingin jadi seorang pemain bola ataukah sejauh cita-citaku seperti seorang Presiden yang berdasi kupu-kupu dengan tetap sementara orang-orang menertawakan kepemimpinanku, entah terhadap mimpi atau yang aku inginkan kali ini demi sebuah nama.

Aku hanya ingin mengenal sebuah cinta yang benar-benar cinta juga seorang sosok laki-laki sebagai gantungan kunciku sehingga tak kan lupa kemanapun aku pergi aku  akan membawa cinta tanpa perlu repot-repot merasakan sakit hati seperti yang ibu ceritakan bagaimana rasanya sakit hati.

Seandainya saja ini pagi maka mungkin aku akan merajuk untuk tetap bermain dan mungkin bola berwarna merah itu aku akan tendang sampai batas dunia dimana nampak olehku bahwa bolaku lebih besar dari matahari yang sebentar lagi menghilang dari pandangku menghilangkan cahaya merah dan warna biru pada langitku untuk kemudian berganti hitam seperti kelopak bunga mimpiku yang tidak dapat ku pelajari karena aku baru berumur 10 tahun sementara aku inginkan sebuah masa di mana aku adalah seorang menteri olahraga yang bisa bermain bola mengalahkan tim-tim dunia dan sekaligus menteri pariwisata yang akan melukis tempat indah ini menjadi tempat bermain bola untukku, namun ternyata juga tak ada gunanya pikiranku.

Bolehkah aku bermain saja tanpa banyak berpikir darimana bola itu berasal dan siapa pembuatnya ataupun bagaimana aku membelinya, aku hanya ingin tertawa kali ini tanpa ada mata yang memandangiku sebagai seorang pemain bola non- profesional yang tertera pada toko-toko di samping jalan yang kemudian lusuh untuk mereka gemari dan akhirnya mereka melupakan masa tua ku.

Bolehkan aku hanya tertawa?

The Rain

The Rain splash

The Rain color

Fort Marlborough - Bengkulu - Indonesia

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November at the second floor

The first step I have been doing is choose a shoes to run, friend of me was sugest me a running shoe so I can move fast than before without hurting my feet but then he also said to me if I choose this kind of shoes then with easily I can also run from the reality which actually I should faced as my mom said.

So then I'm going to the shoes store at the second floor of this shopping area, when I'm entered this store a girl is came to me and said that the leather shoes was match for me, she took it and she also said with wisely that " yes sometimes performance are not describe the person but as you know if we're able to take care our self including performance then it no need to describe but it is absolute that you're a healthy person with a healthy soul".  Then she grab me a shoes, an exclussive shoes for my level even the price is more expensive than I thought, it cost almost if I drink coffee in starbuck for two month everyday.

I took a mirror while I wear those shoes and indeed it didn't match with my clothes and even I didn't feel comfortable with it so I took of and the girl was seems dissapointed, actually I don't want to make her dissapointed so I bought those shoes with thought that I can wear it into formal events.  That girls was happy and packed those shoes, but then she said "I know that this is not your decission for buying those shoes so I will give you a bonus which is a pair of safety shoes or a boots where you can wear it every day and the most important thing is this shoes are made for heavy terrain where you always happy with it and you'll get safety because of it."

I was standing with my nude feet and she told me to sit at the chair while then she bow and wear me a shoes, a safety shoes as a bonus for me.  She also said "this shoes won't make you run as fast as a sport shoes but with this shoes you will be able to run and face what should you face in front". Actually I didn't know what she's talking about but I'm surely following her words. She wear me a shoes like a wife to her husband and then she told me to standing in front the mirror, and yes I'm feel comfortable with this shoes and also match with my style, what I thinking of that time is I got two shoes but paid for one even actually the cost are still higher. 

This girl is smiling at me and whispering me to remembered her as someone who pay attention to me and indeed I'm following her because of she's so wise and there is no such girl which watch my detail specially on shoes, and I couldn't get her off from my head since the november on the second floor that year even it only a minutes I know her but inside of me I feel like that this shoes are only a symbol of loving from a girl to a man.

The next month I came to her store where she worked but I couldn't found her, her friend is saying that she's didn't come to the store today and maybe for a week because she had a vacation. Surely I wait for the day where she will come to me at the same store and to be expect that I'll get the same smile as the first I saw her. 

I came to this girl the next week and I found her, I entered that room where she's standing alone and seems she is sad form her face. I said "Hi.. do you still remember me? the one that met you last month and you gave me a bonus a pairs of shoes? Look I'm still wearing this shoes". She looked confused and said that she never recognize me and even she couldn't remember me, she just left me to the other shoes corner.

I'm surely down that time, I know that she was lying to me and I think she was covered something for me. It doesn't made me despert and everyday I come to her shoes store and trying to made her remembered me, but I couldn't until once when I came to her store I seen her do the same thing as the first we met to the other guy and I was shocked.

I just keep my silent while everyday now is become a habbit for me to come down to her store and watching her from a distance. 

As the November on the second floor last year now the time is running so fast, it already two years since I have a good communication with this girl, so I keep doing the same thing that is watching her from a distance even for her this is nothing but for me this is love of my life. I keep to come everyday to see her. 

There's nothing happen after two year. Now I heard she was moved to the other store which no body knows wheee is she now.